Recently I've been introduced to the quotes of a stand-up comedian named Mitch Hedberg. Disclaimer: My friends have only told me his good jokes and I believe the rest of his stuff is full of language, but I would like to share some of my favorite squeaky-clean quotes with you! (Sorry to Celeste, Jen, Nathan, and Michelle, they've heard these possibly a million times.)
"Once I had a parrot that talked, but it did not say 'I am hungry,' so it died."
"I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
"Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
"When I was a boy I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night, wondering where my brother was."
"I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here."
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it."
"The worst way to get killed would be with an arrow. Think about it, the cops would walk by, see the arrow sticking out of my chest, and say 'Hey look at that dead guy. Let's go this way.' "
Again, these are the few quotes of his that are clean, but I sure think they're funny.
:)
2 comments:
I have a good one for you....told by an ER technician.
"You saw the BYU- Utah football game? Well, then answer me this:
Why couldn't any of the kids in Utah county use the bathrooms last week? It was because the Hall passes were intercepted."
I thought the joke was funny... if a little on the harsh side.
Go mighty cougars!
Don't know why, but that Bigfoot one really tickled my funny bone. :0)
Come home, Melinda. We miss you and your hilarity!
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